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The articles below appear also in The Christian's Spiritual Training Journal.  |
| Mentoring--Safe and Sound |
“He who walks with the wise grows wise,…”.
Proverbs 13:20
Moses had a Joshua. Elijah had Elisha. Paul worked closely with Titus and Timothy. In his letter to Titus, Paul encouraged that mature, godly women should mentor the younger women. Jesus, when sending the Seventy into their first ministry outing, sent them two by two. In some Christian communions those who are wise and experienced in the spiritual disciplines are called Spiritual Directors. From these and many other examples we find abundant encouragement for the practice of accountability and mentoring in the Christian walk.
Spiritual growth is not a journey to be undertaken alone, even though each one of us finds that our journey with God is very personal. God created us in His image to be in community with other travelers.
A brief definition of terms is in order. Mentors are usually persons of greater maturity and experience than ourselves who can pass on valuable knowledge and wisely model the Christian walk for us. Accountability partners are believers who are of roughly equal maturity and Christian experience as ourselves. Disciples are those, whatever our own level of maturity, who we take under our wing to encourage, pray with, and nurture in the Life.
A word of caution about mentors, accountability partners, or adopting a disciple is in order. Proverbs warns that a wise person is cautious in friendship (Prov. 12:26). There are people in the church who are all too eager to mentor you who do not know the difference between gentle spiritual direction and outright domination. A young believer may be very susceptible to one who appears mature and powerful in the way of Christ. People who too readily claim to be your “covering” in the Lord or to have words from God for your life are to be avoided like the plague. In the early 1970’s the Shepherding movement exploded on the Christian scene in a big way. Many Christians got caught up in a small groups being shepherded by “anointed” elder-leaders. These leaders set themselves up as ones were empowered to give personal prophecies to make decisions for followers as basic as when to buy or sell their home, who to marry, even what color of car to buy. People fell for it and many lives were devastated before churches finally began to distance themselves from the movement and speak against its excesses. The Shepherding movement was mentoring run amok.
Key to any healthy mentoring or other relationship is the maintaining of healthy boundaries. Here are some boundaries that should be consideredbasic ground rules of mentoring, accountability, and discipling relationships:
1. Advisory. Whatever your role, both parties in such relation-ships should do no more than offer
advice about every day life matters, career decisions, whether to attend university, to sell the farm, etc.
If your partner is using guilt, or other manipulations, or claiming a special inside track on God’s will
for your life, run for the hills and don’t look back, especially if he or she is giving you directions on
matters which God has said nothing to you. God may use others, indirectly to confirm what he has
already been pressing upon you, but he almost never tells other such things without first speaking to you.
2. Free of Monetary Entanglements. Do not, as a general rule, lend or expect financial support to
come from these relationships. It is common to hook up with folks, especially in a discipling relationship
who have financial difficulties because they lack financial discipline or other reasons. In such cases it
can be very tempting to think a little loan can fix things right away. Years of experience have caused me
to urge that those mentoring such folks need to make use of the deaconal services of either their local
church, the Salvation Army, or other qualified helping agencies that insist on teaching budgeting and life
skills while providing aid. Too many times, when we sidestep the church, we miss the opportunity to
further root the new believer into the larger communion of Christ’s people. Mentors are not the whole
show in God’s strategy for discipling the young. If you do provide the resources, I still urge you to
involve the deacons in the covenant and accountability you mutually develop.
3. Respectful. Relationships in which a partner undermines rather than enhances your confidence in God's
ability to use you, is a relationship that lacks respect. If respect doesn’t exist then, a healthy relationship
does not exist and shouldn’t continue unless progress toward mutual respect develops.
4. Same-gendered. Especially where one or both of the persons are married to others the partnership should
be men-with-men and women-with-women. But in any situation, it just generally works better to seek
partnerships with those of your own gender.
5. Confidentiality. This is especially important as depth of sharing develops. Whether mentor or disciple or
equal, unless the matter shared is criminal or in biblical terms a matter liable to the discipline of the Church,
confidentiality is a must. Nothing will destroy a relationship or injures so deeply as a confidence betrayed.
In this same connection it is important to realize that some things shouldn’t even be shared in these relationships.
Transparency should develop slowly as trustworthiness is demonstrated over time. Be careful not to burden
a disciple or partner with confidences he or she has neither earned the right nor has the need to hear.
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”
Proverbs 11:12
Just what should go on in a mentoring, accountability, or discipling relationship? —whatever is needed and helpful. Prayer is a given. Just sharing the week’s activities—the highs and lows—is important, too. With my partners, I usually share a meal at a restaurant.. We use our journals and go over the highlights of what we are learning. We share struggles. We share needs and pray with each other. We do mutual Scripture-memory drills. We pass on good books we have read or helpful Christian resources. We trade tips on what works with raising our sons and daughters. Without violating the intimacy of our marriages, we share where we need help doing a better job in loving and encouraging our wives. We bear each other’s burdens in a whole range of mutual concerns. Sometimes we watch cable news and just hang together with very little of importance to say.
Faithfulness, flexibility and friendship are the keys to these growth relationships. Building a mutually beneficial relationship of integrity and encouragement with snother believer—this is what mentoring and accountability is all about. There are always some risks and mistakes to be made, but the reward is well worth it. Even the wounds suffered in these relationships are God’s means for growth (“Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” Proverbs 27:6) Sometimes what is offered is clumsily delivered and misses the mark, but even this can be forgiven and a benefit.
Consider the following:
“He who listens to a life-giving rebuke
will be at home with the wise.”
Proverbs 15:31
“He who walks with the wise grows wise,…:.
Proverbs 13:20
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Proverbs 27:17